A Simple Way to Break a Bad Habit

That's the title of a TED talk by Judson Brewer. You can see why I was interested....

(Here's the link to the talk).

Judson talks about quitting smoking and stress eating, but his techniques are just as useful for quitting booze.

Here's my take on what he has to say:

It's all about mindfulness.

Brewer (he really should be a drinker with that name, don't you think?) talks about how bad habits arise.

We're programmed, at a deep subconscious level, to repeat behaviour that gives our brains a reward. It's how we learn to find food, water, reproduce etc. Trigger. Behaviour. Reward. Repeat.

The problem is that, in the modern age, some of the things that reward our brains - like alcohol - are not at all good for us.

Our conscious brains know this, but our subconscious brains are too simple, too hard wired, to get it.

(The problem is exacerbated when we're stressed, as stress causes the logical bit of our brain to short circuit, leaving us to rely on our more primal instincts. The ones that have been engrained with the habit.)

When we try to quit drinking, our conscious minds try really, really hard to not think about drinking. But the harder you try to not think about something, the more you do.

Your subconscious basically throws a big hissy fit and bombards you with instructions revolving around drinking more booze.

Brewer says the key to dealing with these cravings, these brain tantrums (my words, not his!) is curiosity.

Don't fight those thoughts. Definitely don't give into them. Don't try to make them go away. Study them, like a scientist. Be mindful about what they're saying and how your body is reacting.

Oh, here we go again. Primal brain throwing big strop. Jaw clenching, shoulders tightening up, starting to feel like a kettle reaching the boil. I wonder how long this one's going to last before it gets back in its box.

Once you start attacking cravings with curiosity they lose all their power. And you realise that they are separate from you, and that each of the small effects of that craving are manageable, and temporary.

And gradually, over time, like trying to train a really stupid dog (and, as the owner of a really stupid dog, I say that with love), the subconscious gets the message and stops seeing booze as the solution to every issue.

Try it. It works.

Love SM x

Offline

My internet connection is down.

I had 3 BT engineers in my kitchen scratching their heads for 3 hours yesterday.

I'd packed a picnic and was ready to go the the park with the kids who were by now stir crazy, hungry and beating each other up.

I could feel the stress levels rising. I was getting more and more tightly coiled, like a spring about to explode.

There was a bottle of chilled Chablis in the fridge. It was talking to me. "I'll make it better. This would not be your fault. The situation is out of your control. You deserve this."

Instead I yelled at the kids (not good behaviour) and disappeared to my room with two AF beers until I'd calmed down.

The engineers left without fixing the problem and I've subsequently spent 2 hours on the phone to their call centre in India with no joy.

So I'm typing this with one finger on my iPhone, just to let you know that I am still here and will post properly once I'm back online.

I keep telling myself that, in the grand scheme of things, this is not a big issue. We managed without the internet for millennia. I haven't exactly been plunged back into the Stone Age (despite what the children say!).

How did I get to the point where a small technological problem becomes a major disaster? There are people coping with war, famine and persecution. I just have a problem blogging, and three children whining about not being able to play interactive Minecraft.

This really is not an excuse to pour a drink after four months sober. Get a grip SM x

Wavering

Day 106, and, all of a sudden I've been wavering.

I know this story. I've read it before. Bet you have too.

You get to the stage where sober starts to be the new normal. It's not such an effort any more. You think back to the drinking days and they're no longer as vivid. That drunk girl in the movie of your memory just doesn't feel like you.

But whilst you can't remember the bad times so well, you sure as hell remember the good ones. The first drink of the evening. The first rosé of the summer. The first glass of champagne on Christmas Day. And then you hear the whisper....

......you've overreacted! Silly old you. Sure you needed to cut down, hell doesn't everyone? But quit totally? Forever? What were you thinking?

So I go re-read 'Secret Drinker hits the High Bottom'. I go back to '5 Signs You're a Problem Drinker'. And I say look! There's the evidence! I was a mess.

And the voice replies: but you're not an alcoholic. You never blacked out, got the shakes or had sex with strangers.....

And I say oh for f**ks sake, not this one again. I drank every day. I drank most lunchtimes, as well as every evening. I drank a bottle of wine a day. More at weekends. And Fridays. And special occasions. That is not 'normal drinking.'

So the voice wheels out the big guns.

I agree you drank too much, but now you've had 106 days off you can moderate! Just drink once in a while. Special occasions. Easy peasy.

The old moderation thing again. I'm so bored of this one.

I've tried moderation. It works for a few weeks, sure, but before too long I'll be back to where I started. But worse. This path only goes one way, and it's downhill, I reply, getting cross.

I'm sure that's true for real alcoholics. But not you. You can be a 'normal drinker' again.

But do you think 'normal' drinkers start sober blogs and find ninety-five different ways to write about alcohol? Do 'normal' drinkers spend hours every week reading other blogs, books and articles about drinking?

But the voice is not giving up: That's just you getting obsessed. Getting your knickers in a right old twist about nothing! Tell you what. Why not just try moderating. Give it one more go. Just to be sure. If it doesn't work you can just quit again. You know you can do it now....

I change tack. I'm older and wiser now. I've done 106 days, for goodness sake!

I say: But why would I want to start drinking again, even if I could do it in moderation? I'm getting used to being sober. I feel healthier. I sleep better. I'm skinnier. I'm nicer. I'm a better Mum, a better wife....

Then it gets insulting: But it's vanilla. You're boring. Live a little! You've never lived inside the lines before. It's just not you.

Then I remember all of you: What about my online friends? They rely on me. I'd be letting them down.

It laughs. Don't flatter yourself! You're not the only sober blogger. You're a mere drop in the ocean of the World Wide Web. And your 'real life' friends would love to have you back drinking again. They've missed the real you. You've missed the real you. Then, even more quietly: bet the husband does too...

Then I get a moment of clarity, and I reply through gritted teeth: If I wasn't an addict I wouldn't be having this conversation with you for the hundredth time, because you would never have taken up residence in my head. So bugger off, and let me get on with the rest of my life!

I'm sorry. I know you've heard all this before. I've heard all this before. I'm boring you. I'm boring myself.

Sometimes it feels like the easier it gets, the harder it becomes. Two steps forward, one step back.

Love SM x