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Saturday 19 September 2015

The Obstacle Course



I read loads of sober blogs, and I get hundreds of e-mails and comments from readers of Mummy was a Secret Drinker.

The ones that really make me want to cry, and yell in frustration, are the ones written by people who do the first few days over and over and over again.

They do four days sober, then back to day one. They manage ten days next time, then go on a bender. Three days. Four days again. Ad infinitum.

I get it! I really do. I've been there. We all have. And you do just have to keep persevering until one day it just sticks.

But now, with the benefit of six months of hindsight, I just want to grab them in a big bear hug and yell "Nooooo! You're doing the hardest part over and over, without ever making it to the good bits!"

And the problem is, the longer you spend wallowing around in those early dark days of despair, the more you manage to re-enforce the idea in your subconscious that that's what sobriety is all about.

So, if that's you, then think about it like this:

Imagine you're standing in a field which you've been in for a long, long time. Initially it was beautiful - filled with wild flowers, friends, sunshine and fluffy bunnies (maybe the bunnies are a bit too much? But, hell, I'm going with it).

But, over time, it's got more and more miserable in your field. There are still some sunny days, but there's an awful lot of rain, and some terrible thunderstorms. You keep thinking the flowers are growing back, but they die before they bloom. The bunnies are few and far between.

Then you start meeting people who tell you about another field, not too far away. They've seen it. Some of them live in it. It's everything your field used to be, if not more so. And they appreciate it so much more because they've seen what your desolate home looks like. They used to live there too.

"Hey, come and live with us!" they tell you. Because they're not mean and selfish. They know that there's plenty of room at their place for everyone, and they genuinely want more friends.

You really, really want to join them. But there's a hitch. There's a huge great obstacle course in the way. You can't see the whole course, only the obstacle directly in front of you. And you can't see the promised land on the other side. You have no idea how big the course is, how long it takes to get through it, or whether you're up to it.

But you know that you can't stay where you are. It's only going to get worse. So you take a leap and throw yourself at the first obstacle....

Initially it's not too hard. You've got bags of energy and enthusiasm. But, after you've been over a twelve foot wall, through a leech infested, waterlogged ditch, and dug under a fence with your bare hands you're exhausted. Fed up. You have no proof that this place even exists. You have no idea if you can ever make it that far, and you're desperate to go back to somewhere familiar, where you're not so tired, and cold and scared....

.....so you go back to your field. And initially it's great to be home. The other people stranded there welcome you back with open arms and tell you that the alternative field doesn't really exist. You're comfortable. You know what you're dealing with. You think you can see the sun coming out and a bunny in the distance....

....but you were fooling yourself. There are no bunnies left any more. The thunderstorms come harder and harder. Eventually you throw yourself at the twelve foot wall again. You brave the leeches again. You dig the tunnel. You make it to the fifth obstacle this time before you go back to the beginning.

You go back because you have no proof. You don't know how long it takes. You don't know if you can do it. You're exhausting yourself by doing those first few obstacles over and over again. It's just too hard.

So, if that's you, then listen to this. Because I do know (as do many people reading this who I'm hoping will back me up in the comments below). I am going to say it really loudly:

IT DOES EXIST! IT'S EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS YOU'RE HOPING. IT TAKES ABOUT 100 DAYS TO BE ABLE TO SEE IT, AND ABOUT SIX MONTHS TO GET THERE. YOU CAN DO IT.

The truth is that the hardest bit of the obstacle course is the beginning. So you really don't want to keep re-doing the wall, the leeches and the digging. Once you're through those, the other obstacles get easier, and they're further apart. And you get stronger, and fitter and more able to cope.

One thing to look out for is 'false summits'. Sometimes you think you've got there. You've seen no obstacles for ages, and you think THIS IS IT! Only to be confronted by a whopping great wall. (See my post on Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms).

But by now you know how to scale those suckers. It's no biggie. You almost start to get a sense of achievement from making it to the other side of each one. After all, a field with no challenges at all in it would be a little....flat and featureless.

So, my fellow adventurers, pack up your bags, say goodbye to your field, throw yourself at the obstacles and KEEP ON GOING! Do not look back until you get to the end!

For more inspiration, read The Sober Diaries. You can read the first few chapters for free by choosing the 'look inside' feature. Click here in the UK, here in the USA and here in Australia.

Love SM x



56 comments:

  1. I needed this post today. I am finding the cravings terrible this evening. 13 days in, and struggling struggling struggling. Annie x

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    1. Annie, I e-mailed you. I hope you got through yesterday ok.... If so, YOU ROCK! If not, YOU STILL ROCK! Love SM x

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    2. This is quite beautiful and inspirational. Thank you! X

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    3. "IT DOES EXIST! IT'S EVERY BIT AS GOOD AS YOU'RE HOPING"

      Excellent!❤

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    4. I really needed to read this today! I'm planning my day one today and I know I have to substitute other drinks, hot tea, seltzer water etc. I'm also going to keep myself busy when the cravings come. Take a walk, read, organize my closet!

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    5. Hi, I'm Kat, I have just completed 5 weeks, then I went out on Saturday and stupidly thought I'd have one drink with our meal.. nope the the case. I then ended up in a row with my fiancé and went off with a load of girls I didn't know to end up walking home on my own. I,m starting again, you've just go to keep going, although I feel very negative about the whole thing, but I want to make it the other feild, I have read Clares book and its brilliant. I hope I have the strength to make it a bit further thus time if not alll the way. I am off to Turkey in three weeks and really do not want to drink... I'm keeping the faith x

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  2. Am just over 4 months in and memories of that first week or 2 keep me going. It really does get easier! Not easy at times but easier! I don't want to go back x

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    1. Love this , so helpful 🌹

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  3. Gosh, that was timely. It was Day 15 last night and I had that Sunday night feeling. Nice glass of red (or two or three) with a roast on a stormy NZ evening felt like it would go down a treat. The voices began. I was this close (finger and thumb next to each other) And then, begads! I get your latest blog in my inbox and thank the Lord, I managed to stick it out. It was a close shave so a hearty thanks because this morning I am so very relieved that I feel refreshed, and ready for a productive day. Hanging out for those bunnies though...x

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    1. Yay! So glad you managed it Pom! Well done you! Xxx

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  4. Love the analogy SM, sometimes it rains and is stormy in the new field the but the sun always comes out again and everything looks better and the air smells clean afterwards because in the new field the storms always pass. I feel like I am now standing just inside the new field. Glad to be here but a bit nervous about going all the way in. Thank you for being so welcoming and beckoning us. Have a great day. xx

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  5. at over 4 months now I think I'm having a little storm of my own. will keep on going though, through the wind and rain.

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  6. ha. true story ;-)

    think you described the journey well, SM.
    and yes - the other field is certainly brighter with way more sunshine.

    (mefixingme...blogger wont let me in?)

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  7. What an awesome post. I'm saving this on my sober pinterest board. Day 3 for me, all I can see is the first obstacle, but I'm feeling hopeful.

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    1. Hey, mojojojo! Hope you're still climbing those obstacles? Merry Xmas! Love SM x

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  8. I'm battling on for a dry February after doing dry January. I just adored how you used this imagery to describe the journey to sobriety - I can see it now! I've got visions of little bunnies scampering and tall foxgloves swaying in the breeze! Thank you Clare! XXX

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  9. I'm back to day 1 today as I'm sooooo miserable in that horrible field knowing what the other field is like. Thank you for your wonderful blogs SM - I haven't stopped reading them since my 'fall' late November and will spend a good chunk of today going back over them. You're amazing! xxx

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    1. So sorry about the tumble! So glad you're back! Huge hugs xxx

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    2. Hi did you give up for good I’m on my day 1 again tomorrow I know I will feel miserable because I caved in today and it’s 4am and I can’t sleep so I will look and feel awful tomorrow but I’m determined to beat this once and for all

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    3. Day 1 is the worst but it gets better

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  10. Wow SM! The one post I didn't read until now! Thank you for your words of encouragement back then! I will refer to it when the shit hits the fan! Or anytime the wine witch decides to f with my head!
    Love you!
    Mel

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  11. Thank you so, so much for this advice. I am at the wall right now, trying to scale the darn thing. I'm at day 62...I've been at day 62 several times. I keep going back to the start. This time I'm going to get past this obstacle, to that field you talked about, with all the sunshine. The one that DOES exist.

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  12. Hi SM and thank you for writing what I think is one of the most powerful blogs on Alcohol FREEDOM! Do you know how many times people on Soberistas post a link to this blog to help someone?? Seems like at least once a day!!

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  13. I needed to read this thank you. Made to 104 days then caved. BUT didn't enjoy it which I think is a massive step in the right direction.

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  14. That's exactly what it's like! I've had countless day ones, like, A LOT OF THEM and it was nice and welcoming at first when I drank again. People were supportive -- they missed me -- but the next day the thunderstorms came back in and didn't leave until I got sober again. You've described it perfectly, and you've gotten me excited to get to 6 months. Thank You!

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  15. I love this - thank you for writing it and inspiring me when I am still struggling to get out of those dark days xx

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  16. Beautifully expressed. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I'm on my umpteenth Day 1. I will dig in and prevail.

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  17. Hi, SM! I know you wrote this ages ago, but I have only now found your amazing blog (via Soberistas). I am back to Day 3 yet again after having done two 10 day stretches just in 2017. For some reason that day 11 is a stumbling block for me. I feel it was such a blessing for me to find this blog post. The obstacle course analogy really resonates with me (as does most anything you've written!). I am so sick of Day 1's. So, thank you so very much for sharing this blog with us. I will be depending on it heavily to push past day 10 (fingers crossed). xx With much gratitude xx

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  18. This is a wonderful inspiring post, and I do not mean to discourage anyone with my story, but I think it is also important to address what is actually making you feel so miserable in sobriety! I was sober for 2 and a half years at one point, and never stopped craving alcohol. I was depressed and miserable and restless the whole time. There were deeper issues and needs that were never addressed, and I didn't have the means nor the support to address them. Back out I went, for 23 YEARS!! Today I am on Day 26 with a whole new mind set. Not craving alcohol, feeling clear and strong. A whole different ballgame this time around.

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  19. I absolutely love this, and it makes so much sense to me, where my field (life / world) that involves drinking seems desolate and not the way it used to be or at least seem to be to me, i.e., filled with similarly minded great friends, all looking to have a great night out, having lots of drinks and everyone with funny stories the next day to talk and laugh about.... these days those friends are still in my life but without me realising it, my interactions has changed with them... while I still see them and maybe they might drink with me (some may not even), I am always drunker and don't remember large chunks of the night and more often than not who carried me out of the taxi and up the stairs to bed. The reason I guess I'm saying this is because for me and for the vast majority of people I imagine reading these blogs that are contemplating or already on the path to giving up booze, your fields are probably not that dissimilar to mine... however I also have to believe that there are plenty of drinkers who are still in 'drinking fields' that never become desolate and friend free. And its at this point that I have to admit to myself that my own particular drinking field is no longer working for me.... my friends who may continue to drink 'sensibly' / 'responsibly' left my field a while ago for a different place, a place I know won;t work for me..... so while the new sober field may contain lots of similarly minded and lovely new friends, I know I don't want to walk away from my old friendships either. But I need to find a field where there is an overlap between my new happier, non-destructive sober field and theirs.... one where we can all be comfortable together and enjoy spending time together. I really hope and do honestly believe that there are friends in my life where that will be possible, once I make the journey.... and right now I'm looking forward to the day that I get there even though the path ahead may be rough at times. Today is day 5!

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  20. I'm 31 and have drank almost daily for half my life. Change has come and I'm declaring that out loud! Today, I'm on day 12 of my journey. I started reading your book two days ago and have just reached this chapter. The visualization about the bunnies has meant and means more to me than most things I have ever experienced in my life. I was in tears reading it and I'm in tears as I type this. The rabbit is a very near and dear creature to my spirituality and your words have truly touched my soul. Thank you so much for being brave and transparent and sharing your story. I don't know you, but I love you. I will get to the field of bunnies! Xx -jes.

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  21. I really needed this post!
    Back at day one, with a hangover from hell!
    I'm so fed up of starting that obstacle course over and over !

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  22. I'm on day one again. Sick and tired of my mind tricking me into a glass even though I know how immensely happy being drink free makes me...well, let's do it again

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  23. Just finished one year sober. It does get much easier. 95% of the time, I do not even think of drinking. I would say the first three months were the hardest for me. Now I am very happy I'm sober. It helps to follow a program and have a community - I use WFS. I probably would not be sober without it. I certainly wouldn't have found this beautiful green field, with all the bunnies. Find your program, and your people. The program leads you through the obstacle course, and the people make it wonderful to be there.

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  24. Well fuck, I did it again. After 3 weeks beer free, I "treated" myself to one beer while out to eat with the family. Like clockwork, that one beer turned into five. I have been fighting this cycle for over four years. Four years ago, when my son was born and my dad passed away, I decided that alcohol had no place in my life and only brought regret and a hangover. Here I am four years later, with more insight but still a problem. How do I make it over the hurdle when I am surrounded by people drinking?! I am not an AA type person. That would require me to attend meetings and declare to the world, I'm an alcoholic. I can go weeks, even months without drinking but once that beer touches my mouth, 1 turns into 5 or 6 or 7...
    As the daughter of two alcoholic parents, and step parents, I am so fucking over this shit. Ugh, how the hell do I get to 100 days!?

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  25. First time reading your blog Clare - thank you .
    This describes me to a T. 5 years into trying to recover and failing to reach the magic field . It’s exactly right -
    Why would I want to go through this cycle over and over again, especially as I know for sure that my field is getting worse and worse ...

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  26. Wow! I really needed this today. I’m on day number 6 and it’s the push I needed. So very visual and very relatable. Thank you xxx

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  27. Day 10 and I think I got lucky. I've been through the ditch/wall/all of it, before, and before that. I have it this time by recognizing this ^^. It's so so true. So much love in my heart for these words.

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  28. It does exist and Clare is telling the truth. This post made me smile because that was me. Finally I made it though and this is year 5 of sobriety I have entered. Someone said to me the other day that they knew they were "lucky" they could drink, but I didn't buy that for a second. The lucky ones are the ones who find freedom, self respect and peace of mind. I am thankful for blogs like Clare's, the sober schools blogs, Lucy Rocha's blogs and reading Alan Carr's book on alcohol. The blogs kept me going. I decided to have faith in what they said about this other place that I now live in. It's true. Great blog Clare. Thank you.

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  29. 100 days! That seems so terribly far away! Today, I am 38 days alcohol free. That means I have 62 more days to reach 100 days. That's almost 9 weeks. OK, it doesn't sound quite so bad when I think in terms of 9 weeks; it's a much smaller number. In reality, that's just over two months. It's November 17, 2019, today. So, I'll get through the holiday season and into January and sometime mid-January, I'll hit 100 days and I will begin to feel good, right? The bunnies and flowers and the beautiful field, right? But oh I have a huge obstacle course with the holidays ... and being with my family and all of the wine and bourbon flowing liberally ... I wonder if I can do it. I'll have to read your blog over and over and listen to your book or read it ... Thank you, Clare, for your wonderful wit and well-researched and well-written blog and book.

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  30. Oh Ty!! Perfect timing!!!! I started another Day 1 today so mad at myself!!’ This I am printing out!! Ty ty!!! I want to get to the other field and get thru the course with out going backwards again!!! Blessings on your day!!!

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  31. I come back to this blog again and again - usually when I’ve advised some poor soul on daybreak forum doing the same cycle or hard yards again and again. I totally agree with the 100 days to really get to the field and 6 months to really enjoy sobriety. You need at least a year to have tackled the silly season too....

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  32. Quoted this so many times on the One Year No Beer Slack group
    And I've finally got to 100 days and, yes, I can see the happy bunnies and the flowers
    Stick with it guys it does get easier and the buzz when you can see what the other side looks like is amazing

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  33. Glad I found your blog.

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  34. I'm 4 months sober. Your book is always at my night table. I love it and always go back to it. Along with This Naked Mind, it helped me find the other side AND stay there. I'm not going back. THANK YOU MS. POOLEY!

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  35. I loved this in your book and love reading about it again now. Really rings true

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  36. This has helped me so many times

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  37. I have just got to day 7 and was really struggling tonight. Reading your book I reach ‘the Obstacle Course’ tonight, it was perfect timing and gave me the encouragement to carry on,Abstaining I mean!

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  38. On Day 26 and needed this, thank you! I am curious about PAWS, and wonder if there are any science explaining exactly why some people get through the obstacle course on one or a few tries, and other keep going back to Day 1? I understand it's individual, but why? Psychological background, DNA, brain setup, degree of addiction...? I guess my question reall is: what is will power, and can you create it or is it just part of who you are?

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